Balancing act: my relationship with food and fitness

 Warning- I know weight and food is a really sensitive  subject for many. If it isn't something you can handle , skip this post.  It's a deep dive into my past history and my misconceptions about being "healthy".  Also , the timeline of my journey is a little all over the place , I tried to keep similar topics together but also have separate sections to compare my habits growing up vs. Now. 

I have always been skinny, from a young age. I was/ am a picky eater so I didn't have much of an appetite.  I was both praised and teased about my slender figure; from family , friends acquaintances. I joked along but later it kind of got to me.  I was medical underweight.  I talked to my doctor about it. She challenged me to write down what I ate for two weeks and try to up my calories. I was able to gain a little weight to prove it was possible and I didn't have anything wrong stopping me from gaining weight. It didn't stick though because I went back to old eating habits 

I also dealt with weak muscles,  so much that I was in physical therapy from preschool to 8th grade. Other than that and playing at recess with my friends, I was not very active. I did not play sports , unless the teacher required it. I had a short time where I wanted to play soft ball or be a dancer. I rejected the thought of trying because I didn't think I could handle it and I was past the age where it seemed ok to be a beginner.  I felt left out because many of my friends couldn't hang out as often because they had practice for sports. The most active I was was for marching band for 4 years and I had the calves to show for it. My physical activity declined right after high school. For a long time I viewed exercise as mostly for weight loss, even though I had to for Physical therapy (which felt like a chore at times).  

Fast forward, throughout the recent 3-4 years, I have consciously been working on eating more (off and on) to gain weight. It felt good to see the scale number start to peak into a " healthy weight range", insteady of "underweight" as I had been for years. At the same time I felt guilty when I couldn't fit into a dress that was gifted to me. It felt weird when my jeans started to get tight and I sometimes feel insecure with a little more pudge to my belly. One time when I was with a child I work with, I was wearing a form fitting dress and they asked if I was pregnant. I addressed that I'm not and that it's normal for women go have some fat on their stomach. 

It took me years to actually make any weight gain progress. Though I wasn't conciously eating in a calorie deficit , sometimes my eating habits would change when I didn't have the structure of going to work to have  a set time to eat lunch ( especially early pandemic) , so I would skip lunch alot.  With work I've skipped breakfast alot , due to not waking up early enough to have  time. I started a calorie tracker app to remind myself to eat and it somewhat helped, though other times it became a fixation trying to force myself to get in all my calories by the end of the day. I've started to realize that neither is a healthy mentality. 

I'm trying to find a balance. I've heard of intuitive eating recently  and other similar anti-diet culture ideas. I really like the mentality of it. Basically, it's about ( from my understanding ) :

-listening to your body , recognizing when you're hungry or full 

- honoring cravings , eating what you want in moderation. 

- no cutting out entire food groups ( unless medically necessary)

- not deeming foods as "bad" or " junk" , more like 

" sometimes foods". 

- not thinking " what to take away " , instead "what to add" to satisfy hunger and add nutrients.

- not setting a deadline to lose weight ( if that is your goal), rather losing it at a slow and steady pace. 

- seeing food as fuel/ energy , instead of calories to be counted. 

I want to try to live by these ideas and try  to cook new foods that excite me to eat. I want to work on my health to actually have energy to be able to do more after work , instead of taking a long  nap until dinner. I want to use nutrition and fitness to live a long fulfilling life.

Aside from nutrition,  I now understand being fit is not about a person size , it's about strength and stamina both of which I lacked for a long time. A person can be thin and out of shape or thick but fairly fit.  

In fall of 2021 , I started taking a Zumba class twice a week and I have really been enjoying it ever since. It's like taking a dance class like I always wanted,  without the competition and pressure of always having to be on step.  It has toned my muscles , which helped with my weight gain ( when mixed with increased calorie intake). Plus my butt looks great, haha. On top of that , we do an ab workout after class which had really helped with the back pain I use to have. It  has been empowering to feel my body is capable and, it's great to have as  an outlet to release stress , as well as good for my work-life balance.  I do want to challenge myself to do more strength training on the side at some point but I want to be in the right mindset to do it. I'm still trying to shake the idea of burning belly fat to have a flat stomach with abs or the fear of having bulky arms/ shoulders  if I work on them. 

I realize so much of our culture around food and fitness has been borderline disordered eating. As kids ,being forced to eat all that's on our plates ( sometimes more)  even if we say we are full. Low calories promoted on the front of boxes of food. People tracking their calories they burn during exercise and making comments on having to go workout more after eating something unhealthy. So many weight loss videos that focus on cutting  down on as many calories as possible. How normal comments from family about their own bodies and yours seemed.  Weight loss being the ultimate goal to be healthy. 

 There is still so much for me to learn about what real health is and toxic ideology to unlearn. I feel like I am starting to head in the right direction.